Anna Post says...

The Washington Post is currently running "Wedding Week 2009". Anna Post, Emily Post's great-great-granddaughter wrote a column about Wedding Etiquette. Below are excerpts regarding invitation etiquette.

Boston, Mass.: Hello Ms. Post,

How early before the wedding is it customary to send out Save The Date cards? We will know our wedding date roughly 18 months beforehand -- will people appreciate the early head's up or is that weird? Thank you!

Anna Post: It's okay to send them out as early as that to be sure that people get you on their calendars. (Especially if it's a destination wedding, so that people can hopefully save on airfare). That said, balance your timing to also build momentum and excitement for the wedding -- you don't want someone to forget!

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San Diego, Calif.: Thank you for taking my question Ms. Post.

Is it appropriate to invite guests to a bridal shower who will not be invited to a small wedding?

Anna Post: No, all guests invited to any pre-wedding party (shower, engagement party, bachelor/bachelorette party) do need to be invited to the wedding. The only exception is for work showers, or in the very, very rare case that all the guests who might attend such a shower clearly understand they will not be invited.

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Washington, D.C.: This is a post-wedding question. What is an appropriate (and realistic) time frame to send out your thank you notes after the nuptials? I know I have exceeded my grace period, but I am curious as to just how bad it really is...

Anna Post: It's best to have them done within three months (the year is a myth -- sorry!). That said, finish up your notes, no matter how late (even years). Just be sure to add a brief apology for the delay!

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Washington, D.C.: Do you have any thoughts on sending thank you notes to vendors that you use for a wedding after the event? We sent thank you notes to the ceremony officiants and the reception site organizer, but not to the florist, band, cake company, etc -- we weren't super impressed with them, but thought they did a good job (we did give some of the vendors tips) -- just curious about the proper etiquette, if any.

Anna Post: It's never wrong to send a thank-you note. As they were contracted for a service, it's not required.

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Silver Spring, Md.: I am getting married at the end of March. We are receiving RSVP cards, and while we addressed envelopes just to the individuals invited, I have received some back where the person added the name(s) of children. We do not want nor can we have everyone's children at the wedding. What is the best way for me to handle this?

Anna Post: Ouch! It's a shame they didn't understand how to read an invitation (or worse, chose not to respect it). As a refresher, the place to make clear who is invited (or by omission, not invited) is on the inner envelope. If a couple's names are there, but their children's names are not, then the kids aren't invited.

In your case, call them up and explain, even if you did things right: "I'm so sorry if there was any confusion, but we aren't including children at the wedding. We hope you understand, and we hope you can still attend." Those last words should be your final ones -- "we hope you can still attend." That's the goal after all. Just don't make exceptions -- it's not fair to those who did find childcare.

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Detroit, Mich.: Dear Ms. Post, I will be holding my wedding at a mosque where a modest attire is expected. Most of my guests will be Muslim like us and so will know this, but some will not. How can I give them this "how-to-dress" information with the invitation? Thank you.

Anna Post: In this case, because it's to pay respect to a religion, enclose the information on a separate card and send with the invitation. There is no formal wording for this, but use something along these lines: "For guests of the mosque, please..." or "We respectfully request that attire for guests of the mosque be..." and then invite guests to call with any questions. It's possible your mosque has addressed this before, so I suggest asking them for wording, as well.

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Thank yous: At a recent shower the hostess gave each guest an envelope and asked us to print our addresses "to help the bride write her thank you notes". I was appalled by this (having hunted for addresses for probably 300 notes for my own showers/wedding). Is this the new thing to do? Of course, then the hostess drew a couple of envelopes and awarded door prizes, but still, it's not okay, is it?

Anna Post: No, this is not okay! Thank you for asking. If you are put in this position, be a good guest and go along with it. But I would strongly dissuade anyone from ever doing this at a shower. Using a guest book to collect addresses or having a prize-draw are both just fine -- it's asking guests to address their own envelopes that isn't.

Thank-you notes should always be handwritten, and that includes the address. (And they should be sent for gifts given as a bridal shower, even if the bride thanked the giver in person.).

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gifts: I hate it when I read "gifts are required." Gifts may be expected and desired, but the idea that one must bring a gift as an entry ticket or send one even if they can't attend is rude and presumptuous. When I invited people to my wedding it was because I wanted to share my day with them. We appreciate, enjoy, and say thank you for gifts, but they are gifts! One of my daughter's videos had the line "a gift that required is not gift at all!" I hope she remembers that when she gets married some day!

Anna Post: It's never okay to print "gift required" on a wedding invitation. In fact, there should never be any mention of gifts on an invitation, even "no gifts, please." The focus should only be on sharing such a big day with those you love. Registry information is spread by word of mouth, and can also by placed on wedding websites.